Brittni (00:01.488)

Welcome back to the Resting in Motherhood podcast. I hope you are having a beautiful day wherever you are. If you’re listening in the evening, I hope you have had a beautiful day. I am as always excited to sit down and just chat with you today. And before we jump into what I want to talk about today, I will share how I’m currently finding rest in motherhood as I always do at the beginning of every episode.

And as I was sitting down to record this, I took a few moments to ask myself, how am I currently finding rest in motherhood? And it took me a little bit to kind of think like, what am I doing? I feel like I’ve really been in the practice lately of waking up early before Lila gets up just so I can have some time to myself. I find that that quiet time in the morning really helps me be really grounded.

And so I was thinking about that, but I have shared that with you already. And I think that’s kind of a normal part of my routine now. So that’s helping me. But, and you’ll probably laugh when I say this, what really came to mind was the past few nights, I have been letting Lila go to bed much later than she normally does. And you might be thinking, well, how is that helping you find more rest in motherhood?

And it really doesn’t have anything to do with the bedtime. What it has to do with is releasing this control, this need to control releasing this thought that like everything has to be perfect and the same all the time. We’ve had family in town and so it’s just led to like normally we start bedtime routine by like 730. Like that’s getting upstairs to get PJs on, teeth brushed, all of that.

But like the last few nights, bedtime has been closer to like not even being asleep till like 930. I think the latest night was 945. And it kind of got me thinking about how I often rush into the bedtime routine simply because it’s like something that we normally do at 730. And then I find myself like rushing through it. And it was really eye opening to me. Like, why am I rushing through this time?

Brittni (02:20.816)

Is it because I just want some time to myself? And I think that is the answer. And then I reminded myself, well, I’m getting the time in the morning. Yes, it is nice to have some time in the evening to unwind, but it’s also actually been really nice to not feel like I need to like rush into the bedtime routine, like have lights out by a certain time and kind of just flow with it, right? And actually I’ve been going to bed with Lila since she’s been going to sleep later.

Usually by the time she’s asleep, I’m like, I’m tired. I don’t even want to read my book. I just want to go to bed. So I’ve actually been getting more sleep because even though she’s going to bed later, I’m essentially just going to bed with her. So I’m getting more sleep. And again, this is never to tell you exactly how you need to find rest in motherhood. It’s just to show you the different ways that we can find rest in motherhood.

Gosh, I feel like maybe I should do a full episode, a podcast episode on like finding rest in motherhood outside of the actual sleep portion of it, right? So I hope that you take some time right now to think about how you’re currently finding rest in motherhood, what you could do for yourself to help you find rest in motherhood, and then act on it, right? Don’t forget to prioritize yourself because if you keep filling from an empty cup,

there’s going to be nothing left to give to anyone else and then you will end up burnt out. So take this as a little reminder, tune in with yourself. What are you needing this week? What are you needing this month? And how can you give that to yourself? So today’s episode is one that I feel like has been in my head for a very, very long time. And I want to talk about the fact that

Google should not be a part of your parenting village. And really, anyone who’s giving you one size fits all advice should not be a part of your parenting village. Now this does not mean, right, like if your mom is giving you one size fits all baby sleep advice, or your friend, or whoever, or your pediatrician, it doesn’t mean that you have to cut them out of your life. But what I’m getting at here is,

Brittni (04:43.248)

They should not be a part of who you are.

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It should not be a part of who you are consulting when you’re making parenting decisions. And I’ll elaborate on this. So the Google example is what I’ll primarily come back to, but I also want you to be thinking about like Facebook groups, Instagram pages that are giving one -on -one sleep, or one size fits all sleep advice. Your pediatrician who might be giving you one size fits all sleep advice, or just advice in general about your child that’s one size fits all instead of.

taking into account who your child is, right? So anything that is kind of grouping all children together because they’re the same age and telling you that’s exactly what you need to do, we’re gonna be chatting about why that is not reliable information and why that should not be the immediate place that you’re going to get parenting guidance. And really, we’ll be talking, surprise, surprise, mostly about sleep here.

But this really is across the board for anything when it comes to parenting, right? So I’ll just kind of like walk you through a little visual and you’re probably going to chuckle or you’re probably going to like shake your head, yes. And this is actually like such a, like a nostalgic thing for me to kind of be talking about this right here, because if you don’t know, Lila and I are currently living with my parents.

and it is the same house in which we lived when Lila was born. Her dad and I had moved back in with my parents when she was born. And my office is now in the room that we slept in and lived in right after Lila was born. So like this room, I’m looking around it if you’re watching the YouTube video, like this is the room that Lila, she wasn’t born in this room. We didn’t do a home birth, but.

that Lila was essentially raised in for the first nine months of her life, six to nine months, I can’t remember exactly. And there’s still a bed in my office. I’m looking at the bed where I originally started bed sharing with her. Like what a full circle moment to be talking about this. So as I look over at that bed, I can see new mama Brittany at four in the morning.

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three in the morning, whatever time we want to say, it’s probably three and four, probably one, two, three, four a who was very new to breastfeeding. So even when she was nursing in the middle of the night, she was still using the boppy because she was getting the hang of it. By the way, we were not sleeping with the boppy. I would like pick her up, get her on the boppy, get her on the breast, and then sit there and nurse. So I remember her, old Brittany.

in a middle of the night feeding, and this happened multiple times, like a lot of times, where I would be like, why has she been waking up hourly? What is going on? And so as I’m sitting there feeding her in the middle of the night, feeling so lonely, like something’s wrong with me or something’s wrong with my baby, I’m doing something wrong, what do I do? I turn to Google. Why is my baby waking hourly?

Why is my baby not sleeping through the night? What’s happening with baby sleep at four months of age? Whatever the case may be. And by the way, if you’re wondering what’s happening with sleep around four months of age, we will link my four month sleep progression freebie in the show notes so that you can download that and learn more. But that’s a perfect example because that’s oftentimes when sleep gets really rough. So turn to Google.

And then I was met with like, because you support your baby to sleep or because they’re not falling asleep independently. They haven’t learned how to self soothe because you’re looking them in the eye in the middle of the night, wakings, right? All of this total bullshit, right? Like fear mongering, making me feel like I’m already exhausted and tired and feeling like I’m doing it wrong. And then I turned to Google.

And it’s just like telling me even more what a bad mom I am, right? Or like Instagram scrolling. I hate the like the bait and click ones like where you’re scrolling through the Instagram reels of like how to get your baby to sleep through the night or why your baby isn’t sleeping through the night. And then again, they proceed to like mom shame you and tell you it’s because you rock them to sleep. It’s because you nurse them to sleep, whatever the case may be.

Brittni (09:35.024)

And that is the issue is when we turn to sources like Google, when we turn to sleep trainers who are providing one size fits all advice, we are completely ignoring the little human in front of us. We are assuming we are outsourcing our intuitive power as parents to Google, to a sleep trainer who knows nothing about us.

to, in the case of a pediatrician, a pediatrician who is giving the same advice to all other babies or all other parents, to a well -meaning family member who maybe it did work for their baby, but their baby is not your baby. And we’re outsourcing that intuitive power that is inside of us as parents. And we are losing that in…

intuition, right? Because the more we stop listening to it, the less it shows up. We’re essentially like smothering it, right? Like, I don’t want you to come out, so I’m not, I’m gonna like outsource my power and look at Google, look at my, look at that sleep trainer’s page, whatever the case may be. It’s taking us away from the child in front of us. And it’s actually disconnecting us more from the child in front of us. And this is why I don’t want you turning to Google for

sleep schedules or nap, like how long should my baby’s nap be? What are my baby’s sleepy cues? I don’t want you going on the sleep trainer’s page to see how many hours of sleep your child should be getting during the day or in a 24 hour period because they don’t know your child. And you might be thinking, Brittany, you give sleep tips, you give sleep advice on your Instagram. And I do, but if you’ve ever noticed,

Anytime, like if you follow along on my Instagram, like I do Q &A’s, I always kind of start or preface the same way. It’s unique to each child. Or I would need to see a full sleep log and intake form to give you in -depth resources and suggestions, but here are some common reasons or some common things, right? Or at this age, the average wake window is X, right?

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I’m never going to state this should be what’s happening with your baby. This should be what you’re doing with your baby because I’m not in your home. I don’t know your baby. I don’t know their birth history. I don’t know where your mental health is at. I don’t know your sleep environment. I don’t know your sleep setup. I don’t know your sleep routines. I don’t know your little one’s temperament. I don’t know their sleep needs. I, again, there’s so, I don’t know if there’s underlying issues going on.

There’s so much, your child is a complex being. And what I like to think about when I’m thinking about infant or toddler sleep is this big complex puzzle. Every child has their own unique puzzle. Now the pieces, meaning like the subjects, subjects might not be the right word, but for lack of a better word right now, we’re going to say subjects. The subjects of each piece will be the same. So kind of the things that I just talked about. Birth history.

Mom’s mental health, other parent’s mental health, if there is another parent in the picture. Sleep environment, routines at home, sleep set up, so where is baby sleeping? Temperament, baby’s temperament, baby’s sensory needs. And this kind of goes hand in hand with like mom’s mental health, but like where is mom’s regulation levels, right? What does mom’s support look like? What does the family support look like?

So many different pieces, baby sleep needs. I can’t remember if I already said that. So those are like the subjects, right? So the puzzles have the same subjects or things that overarching themes, but the puzzle is going to be unique and how those pieces fit together are also going to be unique. It’s going to be unique to each child. So if we think about it like that, for one child, their sleep needs piece

might be a much more integral piece of their puzzle than their temperament piece. Maybe they have a very easygoing temperament and their very low sleep needs. That’s actually really rare by the way, but sometimes it happens. Those are just the two that came to my mind. Usually if we have an easygoing child, they’re going to be like middle ground sleep needs or high sleep needs. But we’re just gonna run with this example.

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for the sake of really showing that every child is unique and we cannot box children into one box. So this easygoing child has very low sleep needs. So easygoing children, they’re going to respond better to change usually. They’re going to kind of easily fall into routines. They’re more scheduled, not in the sense of like hours, but they’re very more regular in like their sleeping and eating patterns. So they’re very kind of easy to tune into.

But, so that makes that piece smaller, right? Because there’s a lot of easier things going on with that easygoing child, usually. And again, note, I said usually because every child is unique. I cannot tell you, I cannot give you a blanket statement on anything without knowing the child in front of me. And then it wouldn’t be a blanket statement. It would be an individualized statement or piece of advice. I digress. So this easygoing temperament piece of the puzzle is going to be smaller.

on their puzzle because of everything that I said. The low sleep needs piece is going to be bigger because it means that we’re going to have to be mindful of what their daytime sleep totals are looking like and what their nighttime sleep totals are looking like. So let’s say we have a baby who can only sleep 10 hours overnight. That’s just what their body needs. We wanna make sure.

that we’re not having too early of a bedtime because let’s say they’re going to bed at 630, 10 hours from 630 is 430 in the morning, right? So like that’s a bigger sleep puzzle because, or a piece of the sleep puzzle, because we want to make sure that we’re not trying to cause or force too much sleep on them when they really, they don’t need that much sleep. So that’s what we need to be thinking about is every child has a unique sleep puzzle.

the pieces of that puzzle are going to fit differently. Some pieces are going to be bigger than others. And so we really cannot be looking to these one size fits all sources of advice or sources of information for advice, especially Google, because Google is going to take the most mainstream things and it’s going to throw them out at you. And that, unfortunately, in the world that we live in, especially the Western world, when we’re choosing to parent in a way,

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that is different from most of society around us. The information that is really going to serve us is not going to be that mainstream information. And so it’s not going to be the Google, whatever, article at three in the morning that’s telling you, it’s because your baby didn’t nap enough today. Well, how does Google know that your baby didn’t nap enough today, right? And so I want you to remember that. Don’t outsource your parental intuition. Don’t.

outsource the fact that you, you, are the expert on your baby because they are your baby and they are in front of you and you are living with them and you are seeing them, right? I can’t tell you how many times, and I love when this happens, some weeks it just so happens that like all of my clients’ babies are the same age. So like sometimes I’ll have like five clients in a week and they’re all six month olds.

and I love it. I love looking at the sleep logs because they are so unique and different. Now sometimes, especially for my like average sleep needs babies, they are, they have similar sleep logs, but like for my low sleep needs little ones or my high sleep needs little ones, my highly sensitive little ones, my more spirited little ones, their sleep logs are so different. I remember I’m trying to think how old they were. I think they were six months old.

And I remember one time, one week, I had like extremes. I had a very high sleep, high needs, six month old, high sleep needs, six month old, and a very low sleep needs, six month old. And that high needs, high sleep needs, six month old, gosh, that is a mouthful. That high sleep needs, six month old, needed like, could only handle like an hour and a half of awake time. And then the low sleep needs, six month old,

was doing like three and a half to four hours of awake time and only taking two naps. And when even me doing what I do, when I first saw that, I was like, baby’s not getting enough sleep. And then I continued to watch the log and I’m like, no, like nights were not impacted. That’s actually not, parents came to me with a different goal because nights were actually not impacted. That was what that baby needed.

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And so I want you to remember that. Like you could be talking to a mom at the park or at the mom’s group or the play group, whatever, who has a little one who’s the same age as your little one. And you’re telling her maybe about your sleep struggles or whatever’s going on. And she proceeds to tell you like, well we did this. That’s great. I’m not knocking her for sharing what they did and what worked, but I want you to remember she is not parenting the child in front of you.

She is parenting the child in front of her. And we really need to remember this because we need to be working with the child in front of us. And again, Google is not seeing that child. Google is giving us this one size fits all like magical spell that doesn’t work. It’s not actually magical, right? So when you are…

feeling lost in sleep or you’re needing guidance, the first thing that you need to do is tune in to the child in front of you. One of my favorite parts about my work with families is in the intake form, I ask them to describe their child. And I should talk to my clients about this and ask them how transformative that moment is for them because if somebody would have asked me to in depth describe my child, Lila, in the first year of life,

I probably like, I could have given like easy things, but some of my clients take this so deep and I love it because that is the first step and then really tuning into their child and getting to know them. Right. That’s that first step. And then it helps me, it paints this picture of who this child is. And so I know if this is a child where we’re going to be making a change and I have just been, this child has just been described as like highly sensitive.

very sensitive to changes in routine, very spirited, fiery, we’re gonna be taking this change extra slow. And what I suggest for this baby would not be the same as what I’m suggesting for an easygoing laid back baby. So if you’re struggling with sleep right now, the first thing I would tell you to do is tune into your child. Take some time after this episode, and I really recommend you write it. I know like,

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probably you might be thinking like, I don’t have time to sit down and write it. Find five minutes to write it down because I think it really helps. You’re talking to somebody who journals, right? Like I love the power of getting pen to paper and getting those thoughts out. So take some time, even if it’s in the notes section of your phone, write it down. Who is your child? What are their likes? What are their dislikes? Do they have a hard time with change, right? Like who are they as a person? If you had to describe them on paper, how would you describe them?

Are they passionate when they’re trying to learn something new, right? And it’s amazing how unique they are. I was just with my cousin, his little one, 16 months, and just the difference in who he is as a little guy compared to who Lila was at 16 months. Even though I do this for a living, I was still floored. At 16 months, Lila was very much like, I’m only playing

If you’re right here next to me, even if she was on her own little world, she needed me right next to her. This little guy, we’ll call him Baby In just for privacy purposes. I don’t want to share his name without their consent. Baby In was like all over the yard while mom and dad are like sitting and chatting with us. And he did have Lila entertaining him, right? But like he’s all over the yard.

Then I have like a little rocking chair for Lila and he was fascinated by that. So he was like practicing over and over and over again, getting into that rocking chair with me right by him for safety, obviously. But it just showed me. So like persistent is a word I would just use to describe him. He is persistent when he wants to master a skill. He saw that rocking chair and his goal was to master getting on and off of it over and over and over again until he felt like he mastered the skill.

Those little ones are going to be the ones that have hugely disrupted sleep during a sleep progression because their brain can only focus on mastering that skill. So when sleep comes, it’s like, I don’t wanna sleep. I wanna practice the skill. I wanna practice rolling. I wanna practice sitting up. I wanna practice getting up onto all fours. Whatever the case may be, those little ones are going to have more disrupted sleep. And so,

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Thinking about who your child is will help you with their sleep, right? If this is a little one who does really good with routine and is kind of all over the place when they don’t have routine, then we know your sleep routines are going to be a very important part of their sleep puzzle, right? So get to know the child in front of you and stop looking to Google. Do not let Google be a part of your trusted.

parenting village, especially when it comes to things that cannot be one size fits all like sleep or development or feeding, right? We really need to take back our power as parents and work with the child in front of us instead of outsourcing to Google who really does not know our child. And if you’re having a hard time with this, if you feel like I can’t find any patterns with my child, I

I feel like I don’t know them. I can’t figure out their temperament or personality. Like sometimes they’re really easygoing and then other times they feel really like they’re spirited. Or if you’re just like, I know who my child is and I’m still needing support. That’s where holistic sleep support comes in. That’s where I come in. I am here to build that bridge between you and your child.

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I am here to help you build that bridge between you and your child, to help you get to know them better, to get to know their unique sleep needs, their temperament and personality, their sensory needs, all of that and how that relates to sleep. And I can do that with you one -on -one, where I look at an intake form in a sleep log and I see your child right in front of me, either like on paper, right in the sleep log and intake form, or lots of times I do have babies on my calls with me, which I love.

So I’m seeing your unique baby, I’m seeing your unique sleep routines, your unique home environment, and I’m helping you deepen your understanding of your child and work with that understanding to maximize sleep in your home. If one -on -one isn’t your jam, my sleep courses are also there to help you do this. My sleep courses go through these building blocks. They’re gonna help you get to know sensory needs, temperament, sleep needs.

unique sleepy cues to each child, right? All of that. So I’m giving you all of the information to then take and pick what fits with your child instead of giving you blanket information because the key to better sleep is not a magic sleep routine. It’s not a magic object like a sleep sack or the snoo or anything like that. The true key to better sleep

is fully knowing and understanding the child in front of you and working with their needs to facilitate better sleep. It’s not about applying one size fits all advice. It’s not about following the sleep schedule that you found on the internet. It’s about knowing your child and working with them. If you are struggling with sleep, if you need help, shoot me a DM, shoot me an email. My email address is Brittany, B -R -I -T -T -N -I.

at restinginmotherhood .com or like I said, shoot me a DM on Instagram and let’s chat because I don’t want you feeling like, I’ve chosen not to sleep train. I’m suffering, but I feel like this is, I have to stay here, right? Like there’s a beautiful middle ground between choosing not to sleep train and sleep training, right?

Brittni (27:33.616)

Let’s take that out, Hailey. There is a beautiful middle ground between choosing not to sleep train and suffering through something that is totally unsustainable. If you are inching towards or you’re at the sleep is unsustainable, but I feel like I have no other options, let’s talk because that’s not the case. You can choose not to sleep train and still maximize sleep in your home by working with your child who is in front of you.

I hope you have a beautiful day and I’m sending lots of love and sleepy vibes your way.