Brittni (00:01.282)

Hi friend, welcome in to the Resting in Motherhood podcast. How are you today? How was your night last night? I hope that at least if you’re in the Northern Hemisphere, you’re enjoying our shift in seasons. I’m recording this about two weeks earlier than when you will be listening to it. So I assume we are all, again, if we’re in the Northern Hemisphere, in fall bliss with the leaves and…

the cooler weather, if you live in a place where the leaves change colors and the weather cools down. I am a big lover of fall. just like, I see it as like a new beginning. I know we often think about spring as this fresh new start. Probably the inner student in me who hasn’t been to school since I graduated college 10 years ago.

but the inner student in me still always just sees this time of year as like a fresh start. And so I really take advantage of like letting things go, letting pattern, like thought patterns or habits that I’ve kind of accumulated throughout the year, working through them, sifting through them and letting things go that need to be let go. So as I sat down to record today,

in the kind of same thought process as that when I was asking myself, how am I currently finding rest? And the first thing that popped into my mind was I recently over this past weekend started doing all of the tasks that I had put off all summer long. You know, with the busyness of summer, you’re out, you’re doing things. And so oftentimes things around the house just get left undone. So I really used this weekend as a fresh start.

purged things. I went through my closet. I had been holding on to shorts that post baby. Now she’s five, so she’s definitely not a baby, but like post baby, I don’t think will ever fit me again. And I don’t think I want them to. So I purged that. I got rid of some of Lila’s stuff and I donate everything. So it was nice to just like declutter. I really, as I get older, I’m finding that

Brittni (02:17.792)

I just want less stuff around. want like my things that make me happy, like my plants and my pictures and all of that. But like the clutter has got to go. If it’s not serving me, if it doesn’t bring me joy, I will give it to somebody else and it can give them joy. So that is how I’m currently finding rest. just is kind of like seeing this as a refresh or restart and really.

letting go of things that aren’t serving me, whether that be clothes or like I said, thought patterns. It’s really a shift, a time of shifting in my business. So there’s a lot going on right now, but it all feels really good. I feel just really excited for what the rest of the year has to bring. So as always, I hope you take some time to reflect on how you’re currently finding rest in motherhood.

Or if you’re not currently finding rest in motherhood, what could you do to bring yourself some nourishing rest? Whether that be actually going to sleep earlier, taking some time for yourself, chatting with a friend, whatever that may be. And I put that chatting with a friend at the very end because that is what I want to chat about today is friendship and motherhood.

And I kind of jotted some notes down in my phone as I was thinking through this, because I think this is such a broad topic and I think that there’s so many facets to it. So I kind of I just like listed down some topics that I wanted to chat about with you today. So I’m just going to kind of move through them. And I think naturally it will flow together. But while I primarily want to focus on like making friends and motherhood and building those friendships and really finding your village.

I also think it’s really important to acknowledge how friendships change once you’re a mom. And I think that can either be with friends who don’t have kids yet and they just don’t get it. It might be with friends who do have kids, but then you realize that your parenting values are very different. And by the way, let me stop here and say, like, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be friends with people who don’t have the same parenting values as us. I think that…

Brittni (04:31.548)

we live in a world where we all are different and unique. And I think that life can get very boring if we’re only surrounding ourselves with people who think exactly the same way that we do. I think we can learn from people who have different beliefs and thoughts and values than us. But when it comes to parenthood, I think it can feel really difficult to…

keep and maintain or make friends with people who are parenting very differently than us. And I think this comes more from, it’s hard to connect on those things, right? Like I was just with two mom friends, which is so life giving when you can just sit with them. And obviously our kids are older now, so like the kids are just like running around wreaking havoc and playing, and we’re just having these like nourishing.

conversations, but one of the mamas, she’s going to visit a friend soon. And she saw something about her, that her friend had posted about timeouts. And she was like, I just had to ask her, like, do you do timeouts? And she was like, yes. And I spank. And this friend of mine was like, I’m really nervous to take my son. We’re going to be staying at their house. And like, how do I explain spanking to him? Like how?

that’s going to feel really uncomfortable and it’s going to feel really uncomfortable for me. I’m going to want to step in. And so this is where I think it can get a little bit tricky. Again, it doesn’t, she’s still going to visit her friend and she still loves her friend. She’s not judging her friend, but it can get really kind of tricky navigating these muddy waters of like, okay, you guys do timeouts, but we don’t. like maybe your child sees that we don’t do a timeout and they’re asking about it. Right. So, and

Especially when you parent, assume you’re listening to this podcast because we parent in a similar way. Because if you don’t, you will listen to one episode and quickly be like, no, this is not the place for me, which is fine. There are places for all of us. This specific little corner of the podcasting world is for intuitive, attachment -based moms who are passionate about keeping our children close.

Brittni (06:49.13)

nurturing them, responding to them, doing things our own way in motherhood, right? And so when you parent like us, and I’m collectively saying us again, because if you’re listening to this podcast, I assume we have somewhat similar parenting values and styles. People have a lot of opinions, and I find that when you parent like us, our decisions can be very triggering to people, right?

For example, when someone tells me that they sleep trained, that they did like full on cry it out extinction, of course my heart hurts for that baby, but I’m like, that is your decision and you did what you needed to do. And if that worked for you, amazing. But when I share, let’s say to that same person that I didn’t sleep train, they’re going to want to know why. And then I will dive into, and by the way, I would never, if somebody told me they sleep trained, I would never like,

dive into why they shouldn’t have done that, or if they’re telling me that they’re planning on sleep training, I would never tell them, you shouldn’t do that. I only share my thoughts and beliefs around sleep if I’m asked what I did or for an opinion or for suggestions or advice. But if the topic got brought up and they were like, well, why didn’t you sleep train?

then I would have to bring up attachment and trauma and how our body holds this trauma when our emotions are not responded to and supported, right? And that can be very triggering to somebody because although I’m just sharing information to them, it can feel like, so she’s telling me that I’ve ruined my attachment, that I’m a bad parent, that I’ve traumatized my child, right? Like,

When you hear that kind of information, when you’ve done the opposite, it can feel very triggering. Now I have worked with a lot of clients who initially sleep trained, right? And they are a testament to parents who there’s a beautiful quote by Maya Angelou that says something along the lines of, you did the best that you could with the resources that you had and now you know better, so do better, right? And it’s a perfect example of

Brittni (09:14.122)

You were doing the best that you could in that moment. And now you know better. And so now it’s like, OK, where can I go from here? What can I change? Right. So there’s this beauty and being able to be open, but not everybody has that. And that was like that was a total tangent. That’s not how I that starting this episode. But I think that it can get a little bit tricky because I have shared on Instagram before of like wanting to find a village of like minded.

or not necessarily like -minded because I have friends who have different political views than me, right? But we have similar parenting values and styles, right? I have friends who are different religions than me. But what it boils down to specifically is like, it’s very nice to have friends that have the same parenting and, parenting style and values as you. And again, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have that, but I kind of wanted to walk through that. So where I really wanted to start this episode,

again was how friendships change. And I started down this path, but I think it can either be when we have friends who don’t have kids yet, or it can also be, again, friends who have kids, but we’re realizing that we parent in very different ways and it’s just causing maybe some discomfort in the conversations. Again, maybe one side was triggered. And again, I don’t think this necessarily means that you have to injure friendship, but I’m all about like holding boundaries and really doing things that

give us energy and bring us life. And if every time you’re going to hang out with this friend that has different parenting values and they wanna like tell you why you should sleep train or they wanna tell you why you need to stop breastfeeding or they wanna tell you why your baby shouldn’t be eating at night. That to me would not feel like a very fruitful or life -giving friendship. To me, it would feel like you’re going into that every single encounter like.

great, is this gonna be brought up? Am I gonna have to explain myself? So that’s where I think it can get really tricky. But I wanted to quickly share a story. So I had a best friend in college. We met actually studying abroad. She lived in a different state than me, but we met while we were studying in Spain. And then we maintained our friendship. She came out to visit me. I went out to visit her. I had a small wedding, so she was not in my wedding. And it was very like…

Brittni (11:37.916)

small, intimate, so she was not there. But I was in her wedding, I was a bridesmaid, like we were very, very good friends. We talked all the time. And then I had Lila and she, wonderful friend, had planned to come out and visit us after Lila was born. And me, not ever having had a baby before, there was a concert that she, that was gonna be nearby. I live in Colorado, so if you’ve ever heard of Red Rocks,

anybody who’s not from Colorado but comes to Colorado really wants to go see a concert at Red Rocks. It’s an amazing venue. And so I can’t even remember who the artist was. But they were going to be at Red Rocks and it was like, this was only like maybe six weeks after Lila had been born. And so before she was born, I was like, six weeks? Yeah, we can totally go to the concert. I’ll leave Lila with my mom. It’ll be fine. Well, my breastfed child,

Loved the breast. She didn’t like the bottle. And so like a week before my friend came I was like, hey, I still want you to come but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to go to the concert and I could tell she was annoyed about it and she was like, why not? And I brought up the bottles and she’s like, my friend’s a nurse and says like she should take a bottle. Fine. I’m like, well, cool. She’s not afraid. So

Just like that kind of started it off a little bit wonky. And then when she was visiting, she made some comments about me responding to Laila a lot. then when she went back home, I had been, I posted like a story about like, it’s not possible to spoil babies. And then she had a comment to say about that. And then I had a comment that wasn’t very nice to say back. And it kind of ended, it kind of like stopped our friendship in the water.

Now, if I could go back, I was so vulnerable and that really triggered me. And so I did come from kind of like an attacking place. If I could go back, I would change that and I would have handled it in more of a like, I get why you’re saying that society really leads us to believe this, but just so you know, here’s the other side and

Brittni (13:45.194)

It can be really triggering to a mom when you come at her like that. Like you don’t have a child. So maybe before you have a child, don’t make comments on things that you haven’t really lived and experienced, right? I can’t go back, but I just wanted to share this experience because I think that it can be really hard to navigate friendships after you have a baby, especially when you’re parenting like us. And it can be hard to let go of friendships that no longer serve you. I will say we were

not like we’re not really in each other’s lives anymore, but she reached out to me maybe like, actually, you what happened is I saw that she was pregnant. And so I reached out to her and wished her nothing but the best. And this was like two years ago. And then she responded like after the baby came, like sleep was really hard and I brought up co -sleeping and I never heard from her again, which is fine. Right. Like

Obviously two different parenting paths and we kind of broke that bridge and never really rebuilt it. But I wish her nothing but the best and her little one, nothing but the best. All that to say that it can be really hard to navigate that. And then I think a lot of us kind of these friendships do change or we have friends who have babies, but again, they’re parenting different than us. And motherhood starts to become really lonely.

And if you’re like me, I really wanted to like keep my little cocoon, my little bubble after Lila was born. like, and by the way, COVID hit when Lila was six months old. So we literally were stuck at home. Like there was no making friends. But even as she grew, it just felt really awkward making friends because like at the park,

I mean, what is the first thing people bring up when they see a baby, especially like I would say 18 months and under, like how are they sleeping? And then if you’re honest, they’re like, well my baby started sleeping through the night when they were six months old or four months old, or this is what we did, you should try it, right? And when you choose not to sleep train, when you choose to co -sleep, when you’re choosing again, a more attachment -based, responsive -based parenting, people kind of look at you weird.

Brittni (16:00.89)

Or you shut down and you don’t want to share, which how are you going to make a friendship right if that wall is up? So it’s really hard to make mom friends and it can feel so isolating. I remember and I will say I felt isolated like until Lila was like four years old. Now I had opened up a little bit and the beauty of what I do is I had

I have clients from all over the world. And so sometimes I would have clients who are in Colorado with me and I would be like, my gosh, let’s set up a playdate. And so actually my first volunteer client while I was getting my certification ended up becoming a wonderful friend. They moved now so we don’t see each other as much, but I started making friends that way and it was easy, easier because it was like,

like we have similar values. We’re doing things similarly. You just get it, right? Like I don’t have to explain to you why Lila was up three times last night. I don’t have to explain to you why I’m whipping the boob out five minutes after I just put it away because my 13 month old is boob obsessed and wants the boob for absolutely everything, right? Like that’s where those friendships are nice, but I didn’t have a lot of them.

And again, when I would go to the park, I would feel so nervous to like open up, nervous to have these conversations. I also started being able when Lila got older, being able to kind of like weed out like, are these my people or are these not my people based off of how they were talking to their little ones, right? Like, are they being respectful?

Are they taking a much more child -led approach? Like you can kind of start reading it. But in those early days, I just felt so closed off. And so this episode is meant to just kind of first normalize that and also empathize with you if that’s where you’re at. Also, if you don’t have like a village of family around, just, I think I say this in every podcast episode, but it’s just a fact that blows my mind. And the old village,

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the ratio of women to children was 10 women to one child, meaning that there were 10 women supporting one child, or in a better terms, nine other women supporting a mom who’s there for her child, right? So we are connection -seeking beings. We are meant to be together and collectively raise our children and support each other. And so…

in this day and age where a lot of times either we’re not near family or maybe we don’t have the best relationship with our family. And then if we’re parenting differently than a lot of people, we become like very isolated and lonely in motherhood. And I don’t want this to be the case because like I said, really for the first four years of Lila’s life, no, I’m going to, I’m going to backtrack that and say three, three and a half years. I felt really isolated.

And then I started growing my community and I made two really amazing friends who live in different states that run Instagram pages. And we became like the best of friends voice memo -ing each other every day. One of them, I’ve gone to see her, Lila and I have gone to see her and her boys. Her family has come to see us.

My other friend Tiffany of Coast Sleepy, who’s one of my dearest friends. We have not met each other in person yet, but we text all the time. And then I started realizing like these relationships are so necessary in motherhood. They’re so life -giving because you don’t have to explain yourself. They just get it. You can ask for advice without feeling like, my gosh, is she going to wonder why I’m asking about my three -year -old?

quote unquote, still nursing at night or quote unquote, still waking up at night, right? And I built these friendships totally virtually and they were so life -giving. But I remember a conversation with my therapist about a year ago and maybe two years ago, yeah. And I was just telling her how lonely I felt. And I said, I feel like I’m kind of like an outsider. Like when I go to the park, like.

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All of these parents are like doing the sleep training. They’re maybe doing timeouts, right? Like just not how I parent. And I said, I feel, it feels really hard to make friends because how do you get the conversation going? And so we had a long chat about it. And then soon after that, Lila started her forest school and I quickly made a really amazing

actually the friend that I was talking about earlier, where we were just at the playdate together, a really amazing mom friend who literally took a sleep certification very similar to mine. It was not the same, but it’s the same ethos. Co sleeps with her while she sleeps with their son, her husband sleeps with their daughter. She’s breastfeeding her two year old. And again, this is not like Mark, like you don’t.

I want to be your friend. If you formula fed, I want to be your friend, right? Like it doesn’t mean that like I only want to be friends with moms who breastfeed for an extended period of time, right? But what are your values, right? And so this mom and I ended up being like very similar and it has been even more life -giving to have a friend where we can go like, there’s no, what’s the word I’m looking for?

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There’s no fear of being judged when you talk about everything. And like when we go over to their house, it’s just a like, it literally feels like the village of like, I’m gonna sit down and we’re just gonna chat. And it’s just feels like home almost, right? Like, I can just be myself. My child can have a meltdown and you’re not thinking about how bad of a parent I am or what a bad job or like if my child has a hard time sharing and I’m not forcing her to share.

but we’re working through it. Like there’s no fear of judgment and it feels so nice. And then my friend Katie, the one who we’ve gone to visit when they came to visit us, again, we stayed together in our cabin for four days. And that was like also life -giving of just like having the kids around, the moms being together. And I realized how much that I had missed out on in those first three, three and a half years. And so if I could go back,

I would still be, I don’t want to say guarded because when we’re guarded, then it’s hard to let people in. I would still be like mindful of like, I’m not gonna be friends with somebody who’s gonna make me feel like crap every single day. But I’m gonna have a conversation because I might be assuming something about this mom at the park, but maybe when she asks about sleep and I say, no, she still wakes four times a night and we co -sleep. This is back.

Lila’s still not waking four times a night at five. But this is bad. Like, let’s say if she’s 10 months old, Four weeks a night would actually have been amazing for her at 10 months old. But like, maybe if I would have said that, then she would have been like open about what was going on behind closed doors for her, right?

And it doesn’t mean every conversation you’re gonna find like a closeted bedshare, right? Like some conversations are going to very much be like, no, we sleep trained and it was the best decision we ever made. And good for them, but if that’s gonna be triggering to you or if you not sleep training is going to be triggering to them, probably not the best friendship, right? So if I could go back, I would have been more open. I would have had, I guess open goes.

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when I say open, like I would have openly shared and I also would have been more open minded of like, I can’t decide who this person is and what their values are just by looking at them. Like I can be a little bit vulnerable, right? And also I would have like actively tried to build my village, build my community of friends. So maybe that would be like going to, and this is where I’m talking about like Lila’s Forest School was a perfect place for me to make a mom friend.

Because a lot of us who are sending our children there do have the same values, right? Like we want our children to be immersed in nature, play -based learning, right? And even the way that they talk to our children is very much gentle parenting or gentle teaching, respectful, right? So I would have put myself in different places like that. Like I would have probably gone to a lactation group. I would have, I don’t know,

put out like maybe on Facebook, you know how there’s like Facebook groups like looked in my area, is there like a Colorado gentle parenting group, right? Or like a hiking group, different things. I would have kind of opened my life up more and been a little bit more explorative. We’ll see if that’s a word I don’t know. But.

This is a total side note that has nothing to do with anything, but if you don’t know I’m bilingual, I speak Spanish and I often sometimes like can only think of a word in Spanish. So then the English word just blocks out of my brain, which is so weird because English is my first language. But sometimes like I can only the Spanish word will come to my mind while I’m speaking English. So sometimes I’m like, is that a word or did I just make that up? But anyways,

Another thing that I want to chat about is getting creative in the fact that, like I said, my two closest friends live in two different states. One lives in California and one lives in Florida. I’m not seeing them every day. Are we talking every day if we’re in a season of life that isn’t very busy? Yes, we’re talking every day, but sometimes it’s like a week. Sometimes it’s three to four days. But those are my most life -giving friendships.

Brittni (26:29.666)

That’s where the idea of getting creative. Sometimes your village is not going to be this group of 10 women around you where you guys can all, I don’t know, my ideal world is having this group of women where I go to your house and I help you clean your house and we talk and the kids play. And then maybe you come over to my house and we batch cook meals. That is my dream life. I’m putting that out there. I’m manifesting that right now in this moment.

That’s not realistic for a lot of us. I mean, right now it’s not realistic for me. So how can we get creative? Yes, we can be more open when we’re going to the park. We can look for kind of activities or mommy and me groups that feel aligned for us. Maybe it’s a yoga, like a mommy and me yoga, right? I don’t know. I’m just trying to think of different things. But also let’s not ignore that we live in a technology driven world.

a social media driven world, which I will be the first to say that I think social media is a great tool and also a hindrance. But in this aspect, I think social media is a huge tool. I mean, I met my two best mom friends on Instagram and another, like a lot of my mom friends in the area came from my Instagram because they were clients of mine because I worked with them and then we became friends. Right. So

we can’t ignore the social media aspect. And so this is where I would say, get like, well.

And this is where I would say like, don’t close off to the Instagram thing either, right? Like, I don’t know how our friendship grew, right? Like it first started out as DMs and then it was like more and then it was voice notes. And then it was like, here’s my phone number so we can talk more. And then it just naturally, it’s kind of like dating, right? You just kind of naturally let the wall down and the friendship starts. So if you’re feeling lonely, I want you to get open, open your mind, also open your heart.

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and get a little bit vulnerable when sharing because like I said, sometimes I, one day I was at the zoo actually and this mom, she was standing in front of me and she said something about, cause I never bring up sleep to anyone I meet because I know how triggering it can be, but she had like a, I don’t know, he was 18 months old or something. And she turned around and said something to me and I was like, yeah, we’re always tired. And then she said,

we’re always tired too, but we co -sleep and that makes me feel so much better. Like I don’t feel as tired. And I was just like, I love that this mom has no idea who I am, like what I do. And she just told me that she co -slept and I was like, amazing, we co -sleep too. And Lila was like three at the time. So I’m like, keep doing it sister, like do what works for you. But my point there is sometime, like she didn’t know, like I could have been a staunch sleep trainer with my child in her crib at.

two months old, right, in a different room. And she was open about co -sleeping. And actually it started a conversation between us, right? So I want you to be open and vulnerable and sharing. Also be mindful of like, I don’t think that person would bring joy and value to my life. That’s okay too. Put yourself out there by looking for activities or doing things. Like maybe you wanna go sit at a coffee shop and maybe you’ll see a mom there who’s with her little one, right?

Get yourself out a little bit more, but also don’t turn yourself off from the idea of like meeting moms online. This could happen in a comment section on a post. And what I’m really excited to share with you today, talking about community and talking about mom friends is I am launching, I actually have already launched, it launched last week, a membership community called the Confident Moms Collective.

which is a nurturing membership community designed specifically for moms like us. Moms who are following their hearts and intuition and paving their own unique path in motherhood. So this membership community is literally designed to give you your village. It’s designed to give you a village of moms with similar parenting values, similar parenting styles, who have been through what you’re going through or who are going through what you’re going through.

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or maybe you’re in like a, your little one’s a little bit older than theirs and so you can guide them. It’s really designed to give us that intimate village. And it’s so funny, I was just talking to a client today in a discovery call or not a discovery call, she’s an existing client.

And it’s funny, I was just talking to a client today and her little one’s 18 months. I can’t believe it. We started working together when he was seven or eight months and she’s ready to night lean. And she’s like, like as we were leaving the call, she’s like, I just feel so much better. Like I don’t have friends that I can talk to about this stuff because all of my friends like stopped breastfeeding by six months. They never co -slept, they sleep trained. And she’s like, and so I like, you’re the only person that I can talk to about this stuff.

And so I was so excited to also share with her, like I have this community coming and she was like, my gosh, she’s like, yours would literally be the only community that I would want to be a part of because I know that if they’re following you, they’re going to have similar values and parenting styles as you. And she’s like, sometimes I’ll just go on the comments of your posts and just read the other mom’s comments.

because it feels good for them to say things that I’m thinking or for them to like share a tip that I haven’t thought of. And so that’s what this collective is, is it’s gonna be even more intimate because we’re gonna have quote unquote walls. We’re gonna have virtual walls around us where we’re gonna get really real. We’re gonna be vulnerable, supportive, uplifting. It’s a place to just come and be your true mama self, to let your mama freak flag fly, right?

no judging, and just a supportive space. So what you can find inside of the Confident Moms Collective is we’ll have a group chat. This will literally be, and there’s an app, so it can be on your phone or your computer, where you’re literally just chatting with the moms in the community. I will weekly kind of put a little topic out to kind of keep the conversation, to get it started, or if it’s just naturally continuing, we’ll continue the combo.

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I will be popping in there to share my two cents. I will also be hosting one live training a month, either presented by myself or a parenting or development expert on different motherhood and parenting topics. So this is on sleep, on self -care, on gentle parenting, on potty, on solids, like anything that we’re going through, we will be having a live training. So there’ll be one topic a month.

And then I will also be hosting one live Q &A a month where you can ask any questions that are on your mind and get personalized support on that. There will also be a sleep and parenting resources library. So I will link articles and studies and anything that I think will be helpful in your parenting journey. And then another, one of my favorite parts of the collective is a bi -monthly. So every other month.

we’ll have a virtual mama meetup. So a live video call where we all just come with our coffee or our tea and our little ones or without our little ones. And we just chat and share and we have those nurturing conversations and you can grow with the other members of the community. And the beauty is, is there is private messaging in here. So like if you start like chatting with a mom in the group chat and you’re like, wow, I think like we could really hit it off. You can take that to the private chat and like go even deeper together.

There will also be a space within the the Confident Moms Collective, which will be called Phone a Friend, a space where you can quote unquote phone the community for help on a struggle. So you drop your struggle or your question and then in the mamas come with their advice and love and support. And there’s so much more within the community. Like I said, it’s already launched. So the link to join will be linked below.

And I really hope to see you there. If you have any questions about the collective, feel free to shoot me an email. But like I said, it’s a monthly membership community. So it’s $44 a month. Or if you want to pay for the whole year, it’s $444 for the whole year. And that gives you, I think, like two months free. And again, if you do it monthly, you can cancel at any time.

Brittni (35:26.41)

So like I said, I would love to see you there. Come find your village. Come find your tribe of mamas who are there to walk this motherhood journey with you and support you and listen to you and uplift you. And you can do the same to them. Again, if you have any questions, shoot me an email at britney at restinginmotherhood .com, or you can always shoot me a DM on Instagram and I would be happy to answer there.

Wishing you a very beautiful day and I will hopefully see you in the collective.