Brittni (00:00.718)
Welcome back to the Resting in Motherhood podcast. I’m so excited to sit down and chat with you today, friend. I am coming to you after a really life -giving week. It was my birthday week last week. Now when you listen, this will be like two weeks later. But my present to myself this year, which was actually the same present as last year, was I took a solo trip up to our family cabin in the mountains, which is my happy place.

and I just wanted to go up there and not have to take care of someone else, only worry about myself, have no plans. So I’m coming to you really refreshed this week, but I will say the trip was also kind of heavy. There was a lot of like emotions that came up that I didn’t know needed to come up. So I will be recording a podcast episode just on that because I think the message is really important and kind of the things that came up for me were really important. So I want to share that with you.

but we will talk about that later. Today we are actually going to be doing something that I’ve never done on the podcast, which I’m really, really excited about, which is a Q &A. So I threw up a Q &A box on Instagram. I collected those questions and I will be answering them here. I think this will be really fun because when we do it on Instagram, I can only go so deep, right? I mean, I only have like a slide to answer typing, or if I do record.

I have like a minute and a half max and a lot of people lose interest after like 15 seconds on Instagram. So we can go a little bit deeper today. So I’m really excited for that. How I am currently finding rest in motherhood before we jump into the Q and A is actually kind of what I just said. It was taking that trip to really reset and take the time for me and not feel guilty about it.

And I went up, Lila’s dad came and picked her up on Tuesday morning. I went up Tuesday morning. I was there Tuesday, Wednesday. And then the original plan was actually for my parents to meet me halfway and bring Lila to me. And then we were, Lila and I were going to go back up to the cabin and stay through the weekend. But I just started kind of feeling tired. And sometimes like being up there with Lila, I love her. It’s my happy place. But sometimes it can be a lot, especially like,

Brittni (02:23.054)
the nature aspect of it, especially being by myself. So like going down to the beach, there’s a lake. So the beach at the lake, like that’s always like a whole thing, packing all of the stuff, doing it by myself. Sometimes we get down there and then she’s over it and then we have to pack it all up, right? Or like hikes. And so I was just kind of like thinking about it and I was like, you know what? Like, I don’t really want to do this this weekend with her. So I told my parents, don’t bring her. I’ll just be coming home.

But I did something for myself. The old Brittany would have gotten right up and come right home. And I was like, you know what? I’m going to give myself till noon. I’m going to take a slow morning. And then I will head home. So how I am finding rest is I took that trip. And then I also didn’t feel guilty about not rushing home to her. So I hope that can inspire you to think about how you can find rest this week in motherhood or think about how you are finding rest in motherhood.

and just celebrate yourself wherever you’re at in motherhood. So I will pull up the questions and I will just start, I’ll start from the beginning. So this one is going to a family party. So 17 month old will have a late night, excuse me, let her catch up next day or cap. So what I would personally do at 17 months,

They’re probably on one nap, but what I might opt to do is push that nap later in the day to see if it can go a little bit longer and a little bit later. So yes, they’re going to have a longer wake window on either side of the nap. But if you are, if you’re going to have a late night, then if you have that later nap, it can help. So I would say try for a later nap. Sometimes it’ll be longer.

The other thing is, is the next day I would probably let them catch up to an extent, right? Like if they normally take an hour and a half nap and now they’re at like a three and a half hour nap, I would probably cap it there and then just opt for an earlier bedtime if you can. But the beauty with sleep is we always get back on track. Always, always, always. I will say I have had the weirdest week of sleep in my life. Obviously doing what I do, I am very, very…

Brittni (04:47.758)
focused on my sleep and my sleep quality. I have my aura ring which tracks my sleep and I always check it and I usually always have like a really high sleep score. I try to go to bed around the same time. I don’t do screens. Anyways, I’m getting off track. But my point is I’m usually, I usually have very good sleep. But the last week for whatever reason, my sleep has been awful. And just last night I slept so good and so deep. So it just goes to show you.

Sometimes sleep gets a little bit off track. It’ll always get back on track. And especially with children, if we’re just kind of prioritizing, offering that rest when they need it and letting their body lead us, everything’s going to work out. Next question. Some toddlers sleep 12 hours without waking up, but not mine. Is it late to try any technique? So this is…

And then she has a follow -up question. So I’m gonna read that one too, because I think that they go hand in hand. Is it possible for a breastfeeding toddler who’s 16 months to sleep 12 hours without waking up? So I have worked with a lot of toddlers. I don’t know the exact amount. I’ve worked with close to 500 families, and I would say probably at least 40 % of those families are toddler families, meaning little ones over 12 months, maybe even more. I…

Rarely. I could probably count on one hand. To be conservative, I’ll say two hands. But no, I would say one hand. I have only worked with a handful of toddlers who are sleeping 12 -hour nights without waking up. It’s just not the biological norm. Does it happen? Yes. But at 16 months, I wouldn’t be expecting that 16 -month -old to be waking up or to be sleeping a 12 -hour stretch.

They’re still very young on the toddler side, so for them to wake up and need those breastfeeding calories at night is very normal, especially if they’re very active, depending on their calorie intake during the day. So I wouldn’t say it’s too late to try something. Now, I don’t know how frequently they’re waking up. Are they waking up every hour? That would be a concern to me, right? That would be a sign to me that we need to be looking into something deeper. What’s going on? What’s causing those hourly wakings?

Brittni (07:07.566)
Are they waking up every two to three hours? Well, that is biologically normal. Oftentimes, especially as we pass that 12 month mark, there are things that we can be doing that are not sleep training, that are not ignoring their needs, that’s not limiting responsiveness, but there are things that we can do to start maximizing those sleep stretches. And then to follow up on that, is it possible for a breastfeeding toddler who’s 16 months to sleep 12 hours without waking up? Is it possible?

Yes. Is it likely? Probably not. And I mean, let’s be honest, I, an adult, don’t sleep 12 -hour stretches. The difference is I might wake up in the middle of the night and all I need to do is resettle myself and go back to sleep, whereas a 16 -month -old might need some comfort from you, might need some reassurance from you. So let’s also remember that, that nobody is actually sleeping a full 12 hours without waking up.

There are microwakings happening. It’s just what level of support is needed. And then that’s where we could look at. So if they’re waking up every two to three hours, are we wanting to feed every two to three hours at 16 months? Or are we wanting to possibly wean some of those feeds? And it doesn’t mean night weaning all feeds unless you’re wanting to do that. So when you ask that part about, is it too late to try any technique?

I wouldn’t consider anything that I do with families techniques. I would consider it maximizing sleep hygiene, shifting patterns. It’s definitely not too late. It would just be looking at like what’s going on in your home. What are your goals? What are your breastfeeding goals? I highly, highly recommend checking out my toddler course, The Rested Toddler. I cover nighttime feeding. I cover how to get those longer stretches. I cover what’s normal in toddler sleep.

and everything else that you could possibly need with your toddler’s sleep. So that will be linked in the show notes. I highly recommend checking it out. Next question, related to your getaway, because I had shared on my Instagram story about my birthday getaway, when did you first have overnights away from your daughter? So my situation is a little unique. I did not have any overnights away from her until her dad and I separated.

Brittni (09:30.158)
and she was about a little over, no, she was about two and a half years old when he moved out. And they didn’t start sleepovers. So he moved out in January and they didn’t start sleepovers until May or June. So she would have been closer to three years of age at that point. And actually it kind of happened by accident. I was, and I think I shared this in a previous podcast episode, maybe the one where I talk about.

my separation and my divorce and all of that. But it happened on accident. I was on a date and it was her night with her dad, meaning at that point they weren’t doing sleepovers. He was just doing, like staying up until bedtime and then I would come back. I guess I need to backtrack a little bit further too and say that at that point Lila and I lived in our apartment. And so what would happen is he would come over.

I would work during the day in my office within the apartment and he would be with her, like taking her to do things or they would be playing in the apartment. And then like if I had things to do, I might go hang out with a friend or go to my parents’ house. And then I would come back home by bedtime to be able to put her to sleep because I was still nursing her to sleep at that point. So I had gone on a date and at that point I think our bedtime was like 730. So I told him, I’ll be home by eight. We’ll do a little bit later of a bedtime.

And time got away from me on my date and I like looked at my phone and it was like 720 and I had to be driving home and I like messaged him and I was like, hey, I think I’ll be like 10 minutes late. And he’s like, well, we’re already in bed. I’ll let you know how things go and see if she falls asleep. And then 15 minutes later, he texted me and said that she fell asleep, which I was shocked. So he said like, take your time coming home. So I came home, slept with her.

And then we decided, hey, she fell asleep with you. Do we want to start trying sleepovers? And so what happened was what I would do is leave. He would stay the night with her at the apartment, and then I would come back the next day. So that’s how overnights away from her started happening. It just kind of naturally happened. I really waited until she was ready. And then she’s done a few overnights with my parents.

Brittni (11:47.534)
And same thing, it just kind of, once her dad was able to support her to sleep at night, I knew it wouldn’t be a problem for my mom. So then like occasionally I would have her stay the night with my parents. Or like for example, while I was up in the mountain, she was with her dad one night and with my parents the second night. So she was three. That doesn’t mean you have to wait until she’s three. And I cover this in depth actually in, it won’t be last week for you. It will be like three episodes ago.

as you’re listening to this, but it’s my, I did an episode all on travel and sleep. So it’s about sleep while traveling with your little one and sleep while not being with your little one. So I recommend checking that out. It’ll be linked in the show notes that episode. Guidance on separation and co -parenting with a three -year -old. Will she be okay? Oof, I’m sending you a lot of love. She will be okay. I…

I think that we, it’s actually funny because I just was thinking about this today as I was folding laundry and watching how happy and well adjusted and confident Laila is. And I was thinking about like, sometimes these voices come in my head, right? And I was thinking about, would she be better off if her dad and I were together, right? Like these questions, I don’t, you know, we’re human. They come up out of nowhere. And it dawned on me like,

No, she wouldn’t be better because she would be living in a household where there would be more drama, there would be more tension. And right now, her life is very secure. She has a mom who loves her so much. She has a dad who loves her so much. Our co -parenting relationship is really, really strong. And so we have all of that to create this foundation for her, right? And so I think that that’s…

If I could give you any advice, it would be if you can, the more civil and friendly that you can be with your other co -parent, the better, because that is really what’s going to help her thrive, right? The more secure she can feel in this situation of, okay, I’m going for mom, I’m going to my other parent.

Brittni (14:10.03)
everything feels cohesive. I mean, obviously things in your home are going to be different from the other parent, but meaning that like there’s not this big emotional tension every time you’re together. And that probably will be the case. I’m not going to lie. In the beginning, I felt that way every time I was around my ex, right? But she will be okay. And I think that what you need to really realize is like, it’s one step at a time, literally one step at a time.

Every day is going to get easier. And then the more you heal, the easier it’s going to be for her. So just take it one step at a time and really trust that like, if you’ve come to this decision, I know that you did not come to it lightly. This is going to be the best decision for everyone because the best gift that you can give her are happy, thriving parents. And…

Hopefully if you get into a future relationship, you can show her like what a true loving and supportive relationship looks like. I recorded a full episode on like our separation and all of that. So that will also be linked in the show notes if you want to listen to that episode, but I’m sending you a lot of love and just a reminder to have so much grace with yourself. If you’re not already, I highly recommend going into therapy.

Therapy was my saving grace as I went through my divorce. I actually have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to her. I need to chat with her. I have a lot going on. So just remember to take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health because the more that you’re nurturing yourself and taking care of yourself, the better that’s going to be for your daughter. And the other thing I would say is, and I don’t think I covered this in the episode where I talked about our divorce is,

Don’t be afraid to be really open and honest in your communication. So like, Lila always asks me, it’s funny because she was younger, she was two and a half, and so she didn’t really ask a lot of questions then. It just kind of like happened, right? Now she’ll ask me like, why aren’t you and daddy married? Why doesn’t daddy live with us? And so I’m just very honest and say like, daddy and I couldn’t be the husband and wife to each other that we needed to be, but we’re still your parents and we love you a lot.

Brittni (16:28.558)
And so just being as honest as you can while also not bringing the other parent down, right? So I think that’s getting over the feelings towards your ex or the person that you’re separated from and really starting to shift them from an ex to your co -parent. Like you guys want to see each other as being on the same team for her. Even if…

You hate each other, right? Like even if there’s a lot of drama and unresolved feelings there, I would put those in their own little compartment and feel them and deal with them in your own time. But now see this person as like, okay, I’m not looking at them in a romantic way anymore. I’m looking at them as my teammate, as my co -parent. And I think that that can be really helpful, really hard, but really helpful.

That’s why I really recommend therapy. How old was Lilo when you took your first solo trip? So my first solo trip, like I said, my situation is unique, right? Since she started sleeping with her, doing overnights with her dad at around three, well, a little closer to three years of age, right? So like two years and like 10 months or something like that. So.

I guess you could consider those trips, right? Because they were overnights away from her. The first actual trip I took away from her, meaning out of our town, was when I went to the cabin last year for my birthday. So she would have been a little over three and a half. I went up to the cabin. I can’t remember if I, I think I might’ve stayed only one night that time. I might’ve, one or two nights. I can’t remember. I think that time was only one night. So really, again, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

So my big first trip away from her was actually just last month, was it last month or the month before, when I went on my business retreat to Florida, which was amazing. And I also cover that in my travel episode from earlier this month. Stopped binky with 26 month old, naps bedtime taking one hour plus, tips for self soothing, naps.

Brittni (18:49.326)
Naps skipped, not helped. So what I would say is sucking can be really regulating for the nervous system. So when we take away something like the pacifier or nursing or a bottle and we start seeing sleep taking a really, really long time, that would be a sign to me that we need to be adding in more regulation tools throughout the day. So maybe that’s a

a thick smoothie with a straw that they’re having to really suck. Maybe it’s some crunchy pretzels. Maybe it’s a teething tube that they can chew on. Maybe it’s a camelback water bottle. Dentists would tell you, well actually not dentists, but like probably speech pathologists would tell you they don’t like the camelback water bottle for the dental formation. But the biting, because you know you have to bite on it and then suck.

that can be really similar to like the pacifier or nursing. So that can be really helpful. So yeah, I would be looking into how can you add in more regulation, maybe you’re adding in more swinging throughout their day, different ways to regulate their nervous system. If you’re still having issues after that, I would recommend either working with me, we can dive deeper looking into what can we change there.

Or you might want to consider working with a pediatric occupational therapist to see what else you can add to their quote unquote sensory diet to add in more sensory regulation to their day.

I like this question. Biggest learning experience you have had while starting up your business? my gosh, there are so many. And I honestly actually feel like the last year has been such a period of learning. Like I feel like I started my business in this golden era and everything was easy. And I was like, my gosh, this is so easy. I’ve got it.

Brittni (20:53.198)
And then the last two years have been my hardest years of business, just navigating it all. And so I think that my biggest lesson would be that, which is funny, similar to baby sleep, owning a business is not linear and it’s messy. And you have to kind of be comfortable reinventing yourself, getting outside of your comfort zone, changing things that maybe did work, but now they’re not working.

And so just really learning to like be flexible and also kind to myself and understand that things aren’t always going to be beautiful and easy, that there really are going to be hard seasons, but trusting that it’s all going to work out. Because that’s one thing I can say when I look back, everything has always worked out. Even in those moments where I’m like, my gosh, I don’t want to do this anymore. This is too hard. Everything has always worked out. So.

knowing that those periods of really difficult seasons are normal and knowing that I’m going to get through it because everything has always worked out.

Do I say anything, do I say anything of my family or friends say they’re sleep training their babies? This one’s hard and my answer is no because similar to when we say that we’re not sleep training and then people jump in with all of the advice, I think no matter what you’re choosing to do in parenting, you really, unless you’ve asked for advice,

you really don’t want other people’s input, right? So if I had a friend who told me, I’m going to sleep train, I would die internally, especially doing what I do, right? But I wouldn’t say anything unless they came to me asking for advice or asked what I was doing. And then I would say like very kindly, this is what we did.

Brittni (22:58.926)
We all have to do what works for us. If you’re interested in looking at alternatives to not sleep training, here’s what we did, or here are some pages that can help you, send them to my page. I would love to help them. So no, I would not unless it’s brought up in a way that’s like, hey, this is what we’re thinking. What do you think? I’m needing some advice.

Or maybe like if I saw a friend and maybe she posted something like night one of sleep training like in her stories or something like night one of sleep training was awful. Maybe I would slide into her DMs and just say like, hey, I saw your story. I just want to let you know that I’m here to support you. If you want to chat, I would love to, I’m open to chatting and I’m here as a listening ear. And then maybe a conversation can stem from there, but.

just really accepting that they have to do things their own way, just as you have to do things your own way. And it is really funny because one of my really good friends, she’s not married yet, she just got engaged. But all of her friends have children. And most of us now, we have toddlers, right? We’ve made it through the baby stage. And so I’ve always asked her, is it seeing all of your friend’s parent? Because I would say all of her friends, I’m obviously…

on the extreme of like the crunchy attachment, respectful parenting side. And then she has friends who have sleep trained, right? So like, she really has friends on like the whole spectrum. And so I’ve asked her like, do you, when you see your friend’s parent, is it kind of like eye opening for you to kind of watch? And she was like, yes, I feel like I can like watch it play out and let it kind of help me decide what I want to do. We were talking about babies the other night and –

She has a friend who’s pregnant and I just told her like well if she needs help obviously send her my way and then we kind of talked about her having a baby and I said I Promise you I will come to your night and or I will come to your house and be your night nurse at night if you’re having a really rough night like So that is a way that like I kind of told her like before you sleep train like I will come help you with your baby in the middle of the night

Brittni (25:12.878)
But we have a really close friendship. And I also told her, and hey, if you decide to sleep train, I’m not going to judge you. I’m here to support you, right? So I think that there’s just that underlying respect of you’re making a choice that I don’t agree with, that I wouldn’t personally do, but this is your child and I cannot force my decisions or views on you. Which again, we wouldn’t want somebody to come at us for not sleep training or for bed sharing and kind of start trying to.

sway us or lead us in a different direction? This one’s funny, it’s not really a question, but you look like Sheena from Vanderpump Rules. Have you been told that before? I have never been told that before, but I could see the resemblance. Is there something developmental around seven where kiddos don’t want to go to bed? So this one’s a little outside of my scope of practice. I am certified for zero to four.

So any, and I would say I can definitely help with five -year -olds as I’m nearing having a five -year -old, right? But six and seven is a little bit outside of my scope of practice. My thought would be, because I’ve had, I’ve seen people, peers who have seven -year -olds who they kind of like go through this like pre -preteen like change and temperament and personality. My immediate reaction would be, is your seven -year -old needing,

more connection? Are they feeling disconnected? Is there something big and scary going on in their life where they’re not wanting to go to sleep? So I would, again, since it is outside of my scope of practice, that would be my biggest thing to look at is like, is there a connection issue going on? Has something scary happened and kind of creating this safe space for them to open up and connect with you or tell you what’s really going on?

What’s something you’re most proud of? This is from Katie, my friend. Katie, something I am most proud of. my goodness.

Brittni (27:16.846)
This one is hard because I feel like there’s a lot that I’m proud of, but I think what I’m most proud of is how I have not only survived solo motherhood, but thrived, right? Like, and this does not mean that I thrive every day. If you could have seen me last week on my birthday trip, which, like I said, we will go deeper into this, I was crying.

I was screaming into a pillow. I was letting out all of these emotions from the past two years that I think had been festering inside of me. So this is not to say that I was like, I’m divorced, I’m thriving every single day. There have been really dark, dark moments and seasons, right? Not like just one passing day. Like there have been weeks and months of really hard shit. But as I look back,

and I think about the fact that my world was upended, right? This marriage that I thought was going to last for my whole life ended. And then I took on solo motherhood and I took on not only like providing, like physically, I didn’t have like a nine to five where that income was promised, right? Like, so I would say that like providing for me and Lila through my business has been so scary.

And yet I’ve done it. So those two are kind of rolled into one, right? Like really making the most out of my life, even after my divorce and really learning to thrive and take care of myself and be a good mom and be a good business owner and riding the roller coaster that is being self -employed while not having a partner to lean back on. Like a rough month is really freaking scary, right? Like I don’t have a partner where I can be like, Hey, I don’t know.

how much money I’m gonna make this month, like are we gonna be okay? It’s all on me and getting through that and not letting it get me down. Even though this is funny, because this came from Katie of the not so tired toddler on Instagram. But she knows that sometimes I am messaging her, freaking out, having an internal breakdown. So it doesn’t mean that I’m not freaking out, but I’m getting through it. So I think that’s what I’m most proud of.

Brittni (29:37.838)
How do you manage and how long does separation anxiety last at 12 months? So separation anxiety, again, it’s something unique to each child. So I can’t tell you exactly how long it’s going to last. It’s going to be unique to your child. I would say on average though, probably anywhere from three to six weeks. And the best thing that you can do is lean into your toddler’s need for connection.

which I know feels really hard, especially when they’re so clingy and you’re like, I just need a break. So yes, prioritize getting a break for yourself and prioritizing yourself. But the more you lean into that need for connection, the more they’re gonna really get like, okay, mom or dad or whoever is here for me, they are my attachment person. Even though I’m growing in my independence, they’re still really there to support me. That…

is how you help them get through that separation anxiety. And I highly recommend checking out my toddler sleep progressions freebie, which will be linked in the show notes. It has like a lot of information on what’s going on with sleep around the 12 month mark and separation anxiety. And then also around the 18 month mark and 24 month mark. So I really recommend checking that out as well. And then there’s one last question that I’m going to pull up. So let me grab it.

Brittni (31:08.174)
How did you get, this was when I shared that I had a trip away from Lila. So how did you get to the point of being okay being away from her? My girl is two and a half and I have a hard time leaving her for eight to 12 hours while I go to work and I feel insane for feeling this way. Someone recently suggested that my husband and I take a solo vacation and just the thought of that gave me anxiety. This is a really, really good question and it’s a really good one to end because I think that it’s really, really complex.

So first I’ll say that this guilt is normal, right? Like we, it’s a sign that like you’re really leaning into your intuition and that you’re really leaning into your child’s attachment needs. It’s a sign that you’re like, I need to be with my child. I need to be there for her. What I will say is like, I think work adds extra stress because I’m sure in your mind, you’re like, in my ideal world, I would be home with my child, not working. So that stress and it’s,

self because it’s like a forced separation right like you want to be home with her and you can’t because you’re working so I think that that’s separate from a trip but I also get that the thought of like leaving your child for a trip feels really scary for me that was like one of the reasons I stayed in my relationship for as long as I did is the thought of like sharing her and being away from her felt really

scary. I didn’t want to share holiday, like I didn’t want to have her go away from me on holidays. I didn’t want to be away from her for days at a time. Now this is going a little bit off topic. Actually in our divorce agreement we agreed that we would always do join holidays. So like he’s with my family, with us for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Lila’s birthday. He actually was with us on Memorial Day, right? So like that’s different. But I kind of got off track. But my point being is I get this, this

desire, this urge to be with your child. What shifted for me was I went from having some support at home when I was in a relationship to doing everything on my own and it quickly became apparent I need that time to fill my cup. I need that time to recharge and that’s where that shift happened. And this isn’t to say that like when I’m away from her I don’t miss her right? But I see that time now.

Brittni (33:36.622)
And this is where it’s different for work, but like for a trip, I would see that time as time that’s actually going to help you show up and be a better mother. Because if somebody recommended that you and your husband take a solo trip, I would see that time as time to reconnect with your partner, really build your relationship. Because I know when we have little children, it can be really hard to reconnect and like find those moments of intimacy, both physical and non -physical intimacy.

And also time to fill your cup so that when you come back you have even more love to give. And I know that that’s really hard but I think that that’s a really valuable lesson is knowing that it’s okay to separate especially if that time is really going to serve us. But I also want to encourage you not to feel stressed about…

like feeling forced to take that time. If this just doesn’t, if you don’t feel ready, maybe you do a day trip with your husband. Like maybe you guys on, I’m in the mountains, so I was gonna say, I don’t know where you are. So I was gonna say like, go on a trip up to the mountains for the day, wherever you are. If you’re near water, go by a lake or a beach or like do a day trip with your husband first and see like how you’re feeling. Or if you’re like, no, you know what? Like I do want this time. Trust that whoever you’re leaving with her with.

is a trusted, loving caregiver and that it’s going to benefit everyone involved.

That is it for today’s questions. Thank you so much for listening. I hope the answers helped you. If you are struggling with sleep, like I said, I highly recommend checking out my toddler course, or if you’re struggling with a little one under 12 months, you can check out my zero to 12 month course, or we can work together. Let’s not suffer through something in sleep that doesn’t feel sustainable. I will see you next week. I am wishing you a beautiful day.